Did you know that when love someone, be it the platonic love of a mother and child, or the romantic love of a boyfriend or girlfriend, they become physically ingrained into your brain? Neural pathways forge an everlasting imprint on your brain, leaving their laugh, their voice, their smell, their touch, forever in your memories. When this beloved person leaves your life for whatever reason, your brain cannot understand the absence and will do almost anything to get those mood-elevating chemicals that come with love back.
This neural confusion at a microscopic level manifests itself macroscopically, and the pained lover is incapable to think clearly, mourning the loss physically and emotionally. I remember after my grandma passed away, our cat would enter her room and walk around searching for her in a daze, all the while lowly howling with grief.
As I've mentioned in previous posts, I broke up with my first love when I went away to college. I experienced this confusion. It felt as though a cloud hung in front of my eyes, obstructing reality and blurring my perception. Every aspect of my life languished as I tried to comprehend the emotions I was experiencing. I've never gone through anything of the sort.
The worst part was (and sometimes still is) waking up. Each morning I'd be hit with a wave of nausea as the reality of our break up resurfaced in my consciousness. I vividly remember sitting in class and feeling tears fall involuntarily from my eyes. I hadn't even been thinking about him at the time, but my nervous system was laboring under the intense subconscious strain of it all.
It has been almost six months since we ended our relationship, which is about the same length of time that we were together. Even now, I sometimes indulge myself with thoughts of marrying him in the end. I know deep down that it's out of the question, that he is not the best for me, that we are not meant to be, but regardless; I will always love him. I regret nothing, I have only the best memories with him, and I will always carry with me the love he so freely gave me.
