Anatomy lab at noon every Saturday for two hours? I can handle it. With pleasure. Impending stats class that I thought I had avoided because of my ACT score? Doable. English class that used my entire ink cartridge in one semester because she made us write so much? Enjoyable. Pointless history class that I'll never ever use again? Mildly interesting.
General college chemistry? Absolutely abhorrent. Nothing makes me angrier than chemistry. Honestly. I'm stuck with it for THREE YEARS and the thought literally makes me nauseous. I just spent four hours on one homework assignment and ended up with an 80%. It is so beyond a waste of my time that I'm insulted.
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Monday, January 10, 2011
Essentials
It's 2:15 am and I have class in 7 hours, which means I will get less than 5 hours of sleep. Which does not bode well for my sanity. To avoid rereading old Skype conversations for the 5 millionth time and getting depressed again, I'm going to do that whole "20 things about me". I've written out these lists so many times, but I can never bring myself to post it on Facebook. There's something about 500+ people knowing those kind of things about me that makes me shy away from it. Here goes.
1. I have been convinced for about four years that I am going bald. Some say it's just paranoia, but now I'm certain of it. It's pretty upsetting.
2. I relate my life to lyrics in songs to the point of making myself believe something that isn't even true... Does that make sense? For instance, "I'll silence you with sex and drugs and education/Murder you in mind and heart for all you've put me through." He didn't actually put me through anything, and I don't want to murder him. But I make myself relate to Max Bemis's lyrics regardless.
3. I have insomnia like a mother. That's why I'm awake right now. A friend is trying to get me to stop taking Benadryl but I don't think he realizes that I literally don't sleep without it.
4. College has made me not sweat the small stuff. So much crap happens that, whether in my control or out of it, I cannot allow it to affect my peace of mind. I just let it go, which is totally opposite of how I used to be.
5. My deepest desire is to be a touring musician, traveling across the country in a bus, drinking stale coffee and eating whatever I can scavenge. I play uke (barely) and I can strum it for hours and think I'm actually making progress, but I'm afraid I actually sound like crap.
6. I have had friendless times in my life, and those times have made me infinitely more grateful for all the incredible people I have in my life currently. I love every one of them and would do just about anything for them.
7. My senior year of high school was (as cliche as I'm going to sound) truly life changing. In particular, January 5, 2010 was the absolute best day of my life - I'll tell you why in person but I'm too embarrassed to put it on the web.
8. I want to be a doctor. I delight in the human body, as weird as I'm sure I sound. I love watching surgeries and medical shows. And looking at the fallibility of the human body makes me grateful for my own perfectly functioning one.
9. I don't think love at first sight exists. That's just lust because it's only based on appearance at first sight.
10. I have been in love exactly one time in my life, and I'd do just about anything to go back.
11. I tend to get wrapped up in the past and long for it. The biggest thing I think I'll learn in the near future (hopefully) is to just let it go and live in the moment.
12. I honestly do like animals, but my pets suck and I hate them. All except for one cat, he's awesome.
13. I'm in the midst of a bit of an identity crisis - shocking I know, a college student trying to "find" them self. I'm questioning long held values and beliefs. Only time will tell what my conclusions will be.
14. I love travel more than anything. Nothing has shaped me more fully than my travels. I've been to England, France, Denmark, Greece, Germany, Iceland, and around the states. Each place has taught me one thing or another about human nature and life in general.
15. I am bent on being vegetarian once I get out of college. Right now the vegetarian options are salad, pizza, and junk food, so I want to wait til I can cook my own meals and be really healthy.
16. The place I go in my mind when I am troubled is Iceland. My dad and I stayed at this tiny farm against a mountainside with a waterfall and deep green grass all around. It's beautiful and I want to go back soon.
17. I'm my harshest critic and I'm always searching for a new way to be better. I never think I'm good enough.
18. My favorite band by far is Brand New. The lyrics speak to me, as gay as that sounds.
19. I'm awkward and pretty shy. Especially with any guy that I like. I hate it, but I've managed alright considering.
20. I can't dance to save my life, which makes me really sad. I'd do anything to at least be a functioning dancer.
I'd do more, but I'm losing energy and frankly there's not much else that I think is important to know about me.
1. I have been convinced for about four years that I am going bald. Some say it's just paranoia, but now I'm certain of it. It's pretty upsetting.
2. I relate my life to lyrics in songs to the point of making myself believe something that isn't even true... Does that make sense? For instance, "I'll silence you with sex and drugs and education/Murder you in mind and heart for all you've put me through." He didn't actually put me through anything, and I don't want to murder him. But I make myself relate to Max Bemis's lyrics regardless.
3. I have insomnia like a mother. That's why I'm awake right now. A friend is trying to get me to stop taking Benadryl but I don't think he realizes that I literally don't sleep without it.
4. College has made me not sweat the small stuff. So much crap happens that, whether in my control or out of it, I cannot allow it to affect my peace of mind. I just let it go, which is totally opposite of how I used to be.
5. My deepest desire is to be a touring musician, traveling across the country in a bus, drinking stale coffee and eating whatever I can scavenge. I play uke (barely) and I can strum it for hours and think I'm actually making progress, but I'm afraid I actually sound like crap.
6. I have had friendless times in my life, and those times have made me infinitely more grateful for all the incredible people I have in my life currently. I love every one of them and would do just about anything for them.
7. My senior year of high school was (as cliche as I'm going to sound) truly life changing. In particular, January 5, 2010 was the absolute best day of my life - I'll tell you why in person but I'm too embarrassed to put it on the web.
8. I want to be a doctor. I delight in the human body, as weird as I'm sure I sound. I love watching surgeries and medical shows. And looking at the fallibility of the human body makes me grateful for my own perfectly functioning one.
9. I don't think love at first sight exists. That's just lust because it's only based on appearance at first sight.
10. I have been in love exactly one time in my life, and I'd do just about anything to go back.
11. I tend to get wrapped up in the past and long for it. The biggest thing I think I'll learn in the near future (hopefully) is to just let it go and live in the moment.
12. I honestly do like animals, but my pets suck and I hate them. All except for one cat, he's awesome.
13. I'm in the midst of a bit of an identity crisis - shocking I know, a college student trying to "find" them self. I'm questioning long held values and beliefs. Only time will tell what my conclusions will be.
14. I love travel more than anything. Nothing has shaped me more fully than my travels. I've been to England, France, Denmark, Greece, Germany, Iceland, and around the states. Each place has taught me one thing or another about human nature and life in general.
15. I am bent on being vegetarian once I get out of college. Right now the vegetarian options are salad, pizza, and junk food, so I want to wait til I can cook my own meals and be really healthy.
16. The place I go in my mind when I am troubled is Iceland. My dad and I stayed at this tiny farm against a mountainside with a waterfall and deep green grass all around. It's beautiful and I want to go back soon.
17. I'm my harshest critic and I'm always searching for a new way to be better. I never think I'm good enough.
18. My favorite band by far is Brand New. The lyrics speak to me, as gay as that sounds.
19. I'm awkward and pretty shy. Especially with any guy that I like. I hate it, but I've managed alright considering.
20. I can't dance to save my life, which makes me really sad. I'd do anything to at least be a functioning dancer.
I'd do more, but I'm losing energy and frankly there's not much else that I think is important to know about me.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Falling Out of Love
"I learned a lot about falling in love when I fell out of love." - Tigers Jaw, Never Saw it Coming
The interesting thing about falling out of love is that when it finally, permanently happens, you're not sad like you had expected. My love story was one broken up not by fighting or cheating, only distance. I moved 2,000 miles from home to attend college and we were forced apart. The months following our break up represent one of the most difficult times in my life, and I would never relive that. I literally spent weeks on the verge of tears, and even when I wasn't thinking about him, tears would fall involuntarily. I tried everything to alleviate the pain - meditation, reliving every bad thing he'd ever done to me, talking to friends, to family - I could not get the ache to go away. I have never experienced the likes of it before or since. It was not just an emotional pain; my heart truly hurt, my stomach churned constantly. Eventually I managed to pull myself together somewhat and resume a normal life.
So when I finally came home for Christmas, it was with excitement that I awaited our reunion. For so long I had dreamt of him and yearned to be in his arms again. When he finally did pick me up, I had a lovely time with him. Being home for only two weeks, I worried that I would get attached again and that it would set me back to the painful place I had been in for all those months. However, something interesting happened the more we spent time together. I realized that I no longer loved him. I still loved the old him, the one that I had fallen in love with in the first place. But he was not the same person. I saw every last one of his flaws clearly and knew that I could never go back to him. In the rush of the holiday season, I had little time to dwell on this change of heart.
Now back at college, I look back on our time spent together and I honestly can't feel sad anymore. I can't even miss the good days we had. That chapter is closed, and I can't imagine myself ever ending up with him again. The old him is gone, and I don't have any desire to mourn that loss. Unlike other times when I told myself that I was over him, I truly know without a shadow of a doubt that I am over him. I am not ready for a new relationship, but I know that a far greater love than his is out there for me. I am finally hopeful. Falling out of love has taught me more than I can ever begin to express in a blog.
So when I finally came home for Christmas, it was with excitement that I awaited our reunion. For so long I had dreamt of him and yearned to be in his arms again. When he finally did pick me up, I had a lovely time with him. Being home for only two weeks, I worried that I would get attached again and that it would set me back to the painful place I had been in for all those months. However, something interesting happened the more we spent time together. I realized that I no longer loved him. I still loved the old him, the one that I had fallen in love with in the first place. But he was not the same person. I saw every last one of his flaws clearly and knew that I could never go back to him. In the rush of the holiday season, I had little time to dwell on this change of heart.
Now back at college, I look back on our time spent together and I honestly can't feel sad anymore. I can't even miss the good days we had. That chapter is closed, and I can't imagine myself ever ending up with him again. The old him is gone, and I don't have any desire to mourn that loss. Unlike other times when I told myself that I was over him, I truly know without a shadow of a doubt that I am over him. I am not ready for a new relationship, but I know that a far greater love than his is out there for me. I am finally hopeful. Falling out of love has taught me more than I can ever begin to express in a blog.
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