Another sleepless early morning. I'm revisiting the past, specifically fall of last year. It's a time I think of as a period of sweet grieving. The pain was so keen, so specific, always there. The sense of bewilderment I felt clouded my perception of the present. I remember little other than the anguish.
So, this morning I relive it. I allow myself to listen to the music that comforted, consoled, and crippled me. I unlock the feelings I've unintentionally or perhaps very intentionally buried. I can now look back at what was once the worst time of my life with a sense of fondness and nostalgia. This sweet grief, this powerful anguish - uncontrollable, unrelenting, irrational - showed me how deeply I can feel. In comparison, I feel numb now. Incapable of being touched so fully by any emotion as I was then.
I don't know whether this is my coping mechanism, or whether one human cannot possibly experience such a level of grief more than once in their life. I suspect this numbness sprang up as the only way my body would ever be able to recover. All I know now is that I will never again experience that all-surrounding, daze-like state of being.
Monday, August 8, 2011
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Pick 10 bands before you read the questions. These are in no particular order.
1. Brand New
2. Man Overboard
3. Tigers Jaw
4. Imagine Dragons
5. Eisley
6. Say Anything
7. Motion City Soundtrack
8. Freelance Whales
9. Relient K
10. Balance and Composure
What is the first song you heard by 6?
A Walk through Hell
What is your favorite song of number 8?
"Generator ^ First Floor"
What kind of impact has number 1 had on your life?
I was already into them before Stewart, but I really started delving into all of their stuff when we started dating. The emotion behind Jesse's voice gets me every time and the songs all bring me back to that time in my life like no other band.
What is your favorite lyric(s) of number 5?
I'm sorryyou've got so much aagainst you coming into this
I appreciate your patience
and I know that you've been hurt too
oh, we're black and blue
but baby let's make this one count
'cause I'll always be around
I wanna be with you forever.
What song(s) by 3 makes you happy?
I spose I could say "Smile" for obvious reasons, but it's not too chipper. "Meals On Wheels" has a fun little sing along bit to it, but overall they're not a very happy band.
When did you first get into 2?
April 2010. First live band I ever saw and it was because of Stew again.
How did you get into 3?
Hah..yet another offshoot of my relationship HOWEVER I did get into them/listen to them before him. I'll always hold that over his head haha.
What is your favourite song by 4?
"Cover Up" is awesome.
How many times have you seen 9 live?
Only once. First big concert with some best friends.
Favourite album by 7?
Commit This to Memory. I definitely prefer their older stuff.
What is your favorite song of 1?
This is almost painful trying to pick just one. "The Boy Who Blocked His Own Shot" is incredible though.
How did you become a fan of number 10?
I sound ridiculous...another one of Stew's influence.
Who’s the most attractive member of number 8?
lawl. Never seen em. Probs the girl though.
What song of 3’s do you listen to the least?
Anything off their most recent album. I just can't get into it.
How long have you known of 9?
Gosh, since middle school at least. Got into them around junior year.
What are your top three favorite songs by 6?
- Cemetary- Thoughts on a Liberal Education
- I Want to Know Your Plans
What’s your favorite cover by number 2?
They did a Jawbreaker cover that's pretty good. Other than that I haven't heard any.
Have you seen 10 live?
Indeed. First live band I ever saw as a matter of fact.
Have you met any of 4?
Yep! And got a pic with Dan.
What’s your favorite album by 1?
Deja Entendu followed closely by The Devil and God
Favourite lyric(s) of 7?
I had a pocket full of dreams
But I gave them all to you
Now I think I want them back
So can you tell me if I'm crazy or confused?
Don't ever change
The way you are
I've never loved anyone more.
What is one of 5’s best songs?
"Ambulance"
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
And frankly, I am so tired of missing you.
I hate missing people. The older I get, the more people there are to miss. There's the ones I miss that I know I'll never get a chance to be near again. There's the ones I excitedly anticipate reunion with. There's the ones who I hold in my heart but cannot allow myself to go back to. There's the ones I miss who I know I shouldn't miss. There's the "unrequited" missing of those who have long since moved on from you. I'm familiar with them all.
Quote from "Going the Distance."
Monday, May 16, 2011
"It would be curious to discover who it is to whom one writes in a diary. Possibly to some mysterious personification of one's own identity." - Beatrice Webb
I'm so reluctant these days to write in my journal. I listen to a podcast of "This American Life", and there was one story where the narrator reread her high school journal, dripping with sarcasm and irony in the retelling. She mocked herself, the friends she had, the feelings she most definitely felt at that moment in time... The whole thing, while it was meant to be funny, just left me feeling sort of empty. If four years of her (or my) life can be reduced to a comic bit, then why should I even bother writing in my diary? If one day I will reread it and simply be embarrassed at the very real experiences and crises of my teenage years, then I don't want to write in it at all. My future self doesn't deserve to to relive it if I can't appreciate the pain, the laughter, etc etc that I truly felt at the time.
High school, sure, it sucks sometimes and that's one of the biggest cliches we all know about. But it is unique and special to each of us, even if the years blur the once vivid memories. My high school experience is sacred to me because of the lessons I learned through out it.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
I just realized
that this is my blog and I can post whatever the heck I want, in any format, in any length, in any frequency. Coolbeans.
“Because you’d forgive your first love anything”
Every cliche about first loves is true. That's why they're cliched. The first cut is the deepest. Tis better to have loved and lost than never loved at all. Love is blind. You always hurt the one you love.
Isn't that last one just the saddest idea to think about? Allowing ourselves to be vulnerable around our significant other is so integral to truly falling in love, but once we do, there's no coming back. We cannot hope to spend our lives invested in another human being unless we take down our guard walls and reveal our most intimate selves to them. This requires such a leap of faith, such trust, that if broken takes months - even years - for us to recover from. How can it be that it can take even longer for a heart to mend itself than it took for it to fall in love originally? How is that fair at all?
Isn't that last one just the saddest idea to think about? Allowing ourselves to be vulnerable around our significant other is so integral to truly falling in love, but once we do, there's no coming back. We cannot hope to spend our lives invested in another human being unless we take down our guard walls and reveal our most intimate selves to them. This requires such a leap of faith, such trust, that if broken takes months - even years - for us to recover from. How can it be that it can take even longer for a heart to mend itself than it took for it to fall in love originally? How is that fair at all?
(Quote from Glee)
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Cup of Tea
Age
18 and a half!
Bed Size:
Queen for the next month or so, then it'll be back to the teensy twin.
Chore you hate:
Anything that makes me get dirty. Like scooping the litter. Ew.
Dogs:
Two little turds named Eddy and Daisy. They're both cute but I've decided I'm just not a dog person.
Essential start of your day:
Sadly, make up. I feel scary looking without it, even though I've been told I don't need it.
Favorite Color:
Blue. Royal blue. Forever and always.
Gold or silver:
Silver. I've always thought gold looked better on older people.
Height:
Sigh...5'3 and a HALF. So I'm nearly five foot FOUR.
Instruments I play (or have played):
Piano - that was short-lived. Now I just sing and strum my uke.
Job Title:
Currently I'm in training at TGIF's. But in the fall I'll go back to my prestigious title of "Research Assistant" for the Family History Dept at my college.
Kids:
I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. I just hope they're not ugly! So many ugly babies out there, makes a girl worry.
Live:
Currently I'm home for the summer. But I'll be back in P-town in June :)
Mom's Name:
Pat
Nickname(s):
I've got quite a few: Caro is Court's creation and everyone's started calling me that recently, Caroli (pronounced Kuh-roll-ee) is Hayoung's doing and only she calls me, lots of people call me Carl if they knew me from middle school/freshman year (long story), my dad calls me little and has since I was a baby. Oh and one time I tried to create my own nickname of "Charli" but it never stuck, shockingly enough.
Overnight hospital stays:
Once when I was younger for a peanut allergic reaction, and then a bunch of times for asthma. Sucked.
Pet Peeve:
People who smell. Just take a shower or put some deodorant on. Seriously.
Quote from a [favorite] movie:
“So miss him. Send him some love and light every time you think about him, then drop it. You’re just afraid to let go of the last bits of David because then you’ll be really alone, and Liz Gilbert is scared to death of what will happen if she’s really alone. But here’s what you gotta understand, Groceries. If you clear out all that space in your mind that you’re using right now to obsess about this guy, you’ll have a vacuum there, an open spot – a doorway. And guess what the universe will do with the doorway? It will rush in – God will rush in – and fill you with more love than you ever dreamed. So stop using David to block that door. Let it go.” - Eat, Pray, Love.
Right or left handed:
Left. It's not a left-handed's world.
Siblings:
Nada. None.
Time you wake up:
As late as possible. Today was 9am because I had work at 10. But if I can get away with noon, then by all means I'll do it.
Unicycle rider:
I'm an extremely cautious person, so no.
Vegetables you dislike:
Onions
What makes you run late:
Trying on too many different outfits.
X-rays you've had done:
My teeth for sure. And once I bruised my tailbone so I had to get that checked out.
Yummy food you make:
Mac n cheese. I still haven't quite forced myself to learn how to cook yet.
Zoo animal:
Pandas are the cutest thing ever.
18 and a half!
Bed Size:
Queen for the next month or so, then it'll be back to the teensy twin.
Chore you hate:
Anything that makes me get dirty. Like scooping the litter. Ew.
Dogs:
Two little turds named Eddy and Daisy. They're both cute but I've decided I'm just not a dog person.
Essential start of your day:
Sadly, make up. I feel scary looking without it, even though I've been told I don't need it.
Favorite Color:
Blue. Royal blue. Forever and always.
Gold or silver:
Silver. I've always thought gold looked better on older people.
Height:
Sigh...5'3 and a HALF. So I'm nearly five foot FOUR.
Instruments I play (or have played):
Piano - that was short-lived. Now I just sing and strum my uke.
Job Title:
Currently I'm in training at TGIF's. But in the fall I'll go back to my prestigious title of "Research Assistant" for the Family History Dept at my college.
Kids:
I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. I just hope they're not ugly! So many ugly babies out there, makes a girl worry.
Live:
Currently I'm home for the summer. But I'll be back in P-town in June :)
Mom's Name:
Pat
Nickname(s):
I've got quite a few: Caro is Court's creation and everyone's started calling me that recently, Caroli (pronounced Kuh-roll-ee) is Hayoung's doing and only she calls me, lots of people call me Carl if they knew me from middle school/freshman year (long story), my dad calls me little and has since I was a baby. Oh and one time I tried to create my own nickname of "Charli" but it never stuck, shockingly enough.
Overnight hospital stays:
Once when I was younger for a peanut allergic reaction, and then a bunch of times for asthma. Sucked.
Pet Peeve:
People who smell. Just take a shower or put some deodorant on. Seriously.
Quote from a [favorite] movie:
“So miss him. Send him some love and light every time you think about him, then drop it. You’re just afraid to let go of the last bits of David because then you’ll be really alone, and Liz Gilbert is scared to death of what will happen if she’s really alone. But here’s what you gotta understand, Groceries. If you clear out all that space in your mind that you’re using right now to obsess about this guy, you’ll have a vacuum there, an open spot – a doorway. And guess what the universe will do with the doorway? It will rush in – God will rush in – and fill you with more love than you ever dreamed. So stop using David to block that door. Let it go.” - Eat, Pray, Love.
Right or left handed:
Left. It's not a left-handed's world.
Siblings:
Nada. None.
Time you wake up:
As late as possible. Today was 9am because I had work at 10. But if I can get away with noon, then by all means I'll do it.
Unicycle rider:
I'm an extremely cautious person, so no.
Vegetables you dislike:
Onions
What makes you run late:
Trying on too many different outfits.
X-rays you've had done:
My teeth for sure. And once I bruised my tailbone so I had to get that checked out.
Yummy food you make:
Mac n cheese. I still haven't quite forced myself to learn how to cook yet.
Zoo animal:
Pandas are the cutest thing ever.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Sunday, April 10, 2011
I have an almost constant case of wanderlust. I am lucky enough to have been able to travel quite a bit through out my life. I couldn't possibly pick a favorite country, because each and every place I've gone to holds a special memory or experience. Nothing has influenced or matured me more than travel. Some of the places I've traveled to are:
Germany
Denmark
Greece
Iceland
This summer I have the chance to go back to England, as we do almost every summer. My dad's side of the family all live over there and I've been visiting them since I was a six-month-old baby. All those Disney and Mary Kate and Ashley movies have instilled in me a romantic ideal of meeting a dashing foreigner who'll sweep me off my feet and show me the city as only a local can. Although this has never happened to me, I can't help but hope for it every time I leave the country. I mean seriously, how cool would that be?! That's why before every trip I spend hours and hours planning out my wardrobe, meticulously picking out the perfect outfit to meet this charming stranger. The world is so immense, and there are literally limitless opportunities out there.
England
Germany
Denmark
Greece
Iceland
This summer I have the chance to go back to England, as we do almost every summer. My dad's side of the family all live over there and I've been visiting them since I was a six-month-old baby. All those Disney and Mary Kate and Ashley movies have instilled in me a romantic ideal of meeting a dashing foreigner who'll sweep me off my feet and show me the city as only a local can. Although this has never happened to me, I can't help but hope for it every time I leave the country. I mean seriously, how cool would that be?! That's why before every trip I spend hours and hours planning out my wardrobe, meticulously picking out the perfect outfit to meet this charming stranger. The world is so immense, and there are literally limitless opportunities out there.
Friday, February 18, 2011
Did you know that when love someone, be it the platonic love of a mother and child, or the romantic love of a boyfriend or girlfriend, they become physically ingrained into your brain? Neural pathways forge an everlasting imprint on your brain, leaving their laugh, their voice, their smell, their touch, forever in your memories. When this beloved person leaves your life for whatever reason, your brain cannot understand the absence and will do almost anything to get those mood-elevating chemicals that come with love back.
This neural confusion at a microscopic level manifests itself macroscopically, and the pained lover is incapable to think clearly, mourning the loss physically and emotionally. I remember after my grandma passed away, our cat would enter her room and walk around searching for her in a daze, all the while lowly howling with grief.
As I've mentioned in previous posts, I broke up with my first love when I went away to college. I experienced this confusion. It felt as though a cloud hung in front of my eyes, obstructing reality and blurring my perception. Every aspect of my life languished as I tried to comprehend the emotions I was experiencing. I've never gone through anything of the sort.
The worst part was (and sometimes still is) waking up. Each morning I'd be hit with a wave of nausea as the reality of our break up resurfaced in my consciousness. I vividly remember sitting in class and feeling tears fall involuntarily from my eyes. I hadn't even been thinking about him at the time, but my nervous system was laboring under the intense subconscious strain of it all.
It has been almost six months since we ended our relationship, which is about the same length of time that we were together. Even now, I sometimes indulge myself with thoughts of marrying him in the end. I know deep down that it's out of the question, that he is not the best for me, that we are not meant to be, but regardless; I will always love him. I regret nothing, I have only the best memories with him, and I will always carry with me the love he so freely gave me.
This neural confusion at a microscopic level manifests itself macroscopically, and the pained lover is incapable to think clearly, mourning the loss physically and emotionally. I remember after my grandma passed away, our cat would enter her room and walk around searching for her in a daze, all the while lowly howling with grief.
As I've mentioned in previous posts, I broke up with my first love when I went away to college. I experienced this confusion. It felt as though a cloud hung in front of my eyes, obstructing reality and blurring my perception. Every aspect of my life languished as I tried to comprehend the emotions I was experiencing. I've never gone through anything of the sort.
The worst part was (and sometimes still is) waking up. Each morning I'd be hit with a wave of nausea as the reality of our break up resurfaced in my consciousness. I vividly remember sitting in class and feeling tears fall involuntarily from my eyes. I hadn't even been thinking about him at the time, but my nervous system was laboring under the intense subconscious strain of it all.
It has been almost six months since we ended our relationship, which is about the same length of time that we were together. Even now, I sometimes indulge myself with thoughts of marrying him in the end. I know deep down that it's out of the question, that he is not the best for me, that we are not meant to be, but regardless; I will always love him. I regret nothing, I have only the best memories with him, and I will always carry with me the love he so freely gave me.
Saturday, January 15, 2011
I Despise Chemistry with Every Fiber of My Being
Anatomy lab at noon every Saturday for two hours? I can handle it. With pleasure. Impending stats class that I thought I had avoided because of my ACT score? Doable. English class that used my entire ink cartridge in one semester because she made us write so much? Enjoyable. Pointless history class that I'll never ever use again? Mildly interesting.
General college chemistry? Absolutely abhorrent. Nothing makes me angrier than chemistry. Honestly. I'm stuck with it for THREE YEARS and the thought literally makes me nauseous. I just spent four hours on one homework assignment and ended up with an 80%. It is so beyond a waste of my time that I'm insulted.
General college chemistry? Absolutely abhorrent. Nothing makes me angrier than chemistry. Honestly. I'm stuck with it for THREE YEARS and the thought literally makes me nauseous. I just spent four hours on one homework assignment and ended up with an 80%. It is so beyond a waste of my time that I'm insulted.
Monday, January 10, 2011
Essentials
It's 2:15 am and I have class in 7 hours, which means I will get less than 5 hours of sleep. Which does not bode well for my sanity. To avoid rereading old Skype conversations for the 5 millionth time and getting depressed again, I'm going to do that whole "20 things about me". I've written out these lists so many times, but I can never bring myself to post it on Facebook. There's something about 500+ people knowing those kind of things about me that makes me shy away from it. Here goes.
1. I have been convinced for about four years that I am going bald. Some say it's just paranoia, but now I'm certain of it. It's pretty upsetting.
2. I relate my life to lyrics in songs to the point of making myself believe something that isn't even true... Does that make sense? For instance, "I'll silence you with sex and drugs and education/Murder you in mind and heart for all you've put me through." He didn't actually put me through anything, and I don't want to murder him. But I make myself relate to Max Bemis's lyrics regardless.
3. I have insomnia like a mother. That's why I'm awake right now. A friend is trying to get me to stop taking Benadryl but I don't think he realizes that I literally don't sleep without it.
4. College has made me not sweat the small stuff. So much crap happens that, whether in my control or out of it, I cannot allow it to affect my peace of mind. I just let it go, which is totally opposite of how I used to be.
5. My deepest desire is to be a touring musician, traveling across the country in a bus, drinking stale coffee and eating whatever I can scavenge. I play uke (barely) and I can strum it for hours and think I'm actually making progress, but I'm afraid I actually sound like crap.
6. I have had friendless times in my life, and those times have made me infinitely more grateful for all the incredible people I have in my life currently. I love every one of them and would do just about anything for them.
7. My senior year of high school was (as cliche as I'm going to sound) truly life changing. In particular, January 5, 2010 was the absolute best day of my life - I'll tell you why in person but I'm too embarrassed to put it on the web.
8. I want to be a doctor. I delight in the human body, as weird as I'm sure I sound. I love watching surgeries and medical shows. And looking at the fallibility of the human body makes me grateful for my own perfectly functioning one.
9. I don't think love at first sight exists. That's just lust because it's only based on appearance at first sight.
10. I have been in love exactly one time in my life, and I'd do just about anything to go back.
11. I tend to get wrapped up in the past and long for it. The biggest thing I think I'll learn in the near future (hopefully) is to just let it go and live in the moment.
12. I honestly do like animals, but my pets suck and I hate them. All except for one cat, he's awesome.
13. I'm in the midst of a bit of an identity crisis - shocking I know, a college student trying to "find" them self. I'm questioning long held values and beliefs. Only time will tell what my conclusions will be.
14. I love travel more than anything. Nothing has shaped me more fully than my travels. I've been to England, France, Denmark, Greece, Germany, Iceland, and around the states. Each place has taught me one thing or another about human nature and life in general.
15. I am bent on being vegetarian once I get out of college. Right now the vegetarian options are salad, pizza, and junk food, so I want to wait til I can cook my own meals and be really healthy.
16. The place I go in my mind when I am troubled is Iceland. My dad and I stayed at this tiny farm against a mountainside with a waterfall and deep green grass all around. It's beautiful and I want to go back soon.
17. I'm my harshest critic and I'm always searching for a new way to be better. I never think I'm good enough.
18. My favorite band by far is Brand New. The lyrics speak to me, as gay as that sounds.
19. I'm awkward and pretty shy. Especially with any guy that I like. I hate it, but I've managed alright considering.
20. I can't dance to save my life, which makes me really sad. I'd do anything to at least be a functioning dancer.
I'd do more, but I'm losing energy and frankly there's not much else that I think is important to know about me.
1. I have been convinced for about four years that I am going bald. Some say it's just paranoia, but now I'm certain of it. It's pretty upsetting.
2. I relate my life to lyrics in songs to the point of making myself believe something that isn't even true... Does that make sense? For instance, "I'll silence you with sex and drugs and education/Murder you in mind and heart for all you've put me through." He didn't actually put me through anything, and I don't want to murder him. But I make myself relate to Max Bemis's lyrics regardless.
3. I have insomnia like a mother. That's why I'm awake right now. A friend is trying to get me to stop taking Benadryl but I don't think he realizes that I literally don't sleep without it.
4. College has made me not sweat the small stuff. So much crap happens that, whether in my control or out of it, I cannot allow it to affect my peace of mind. I just let it go, which is totally opposite of how I used to be.
5. My deepest desire is to be a touring musician, traveling across the country in a bus, drinking stale coffee and eating whatever I can scavenge. I play uke (barely) and I can strum it for hours and think I'm actually making progress, but I'm afraid I actually sound like crap.
6. I have had friendless times in my life, and those times have made me infinitely more grateful for all the incredible people I have in my life currently. I love every one of them and would do just about anything for them.
7. My senior year of high school was (as cliche as I'm going to sound) truly life changing. In particular, January 5, 2010 was the absolute best day of my life - I'll tell you why in person but I'm too embarrassed to put it on the web.
8. I want to be a doctor. I delight in the human body, as weird as I'm sure I sound. I love watching surgeries and medical shows. And looking at the fallibility of the human body makes me grateful for my own perfectly functioning one.
9. I don't think love at first sight exists. That's just lust because it's only based on appearance at first sight.
10. I have been in love exactly one time in my life, and I'd do just about anything to go back.
11. I tend to get wrapped up in the past and long for it. The biggest thing I think I'll learn in the near future (hopefully) is to just let it go and live in the moment.
12. I honestly do like animals, but my pets suck and I hate them. All except for one cat, he's awesome.
13. I'm in the midst of a bit of an identity crisis - shocking I know, a college student trying to "find" them self. I'm questioning long held values and beliefs. Only time will tell what my conclusions will be.
14. I love travel more than anything. Nothing has shaped me more fully than my travels. I've been to England, France, Denmark, Greece, Germany, Iceland, and around the states. Each place has taught me one thing or another about human nature and life in general.
15. I am bent on being vegetarian once I get out of college. Right now the vegetarian options are salad, pizza, and junk food, so I want to wait til I can cook my own meals and be really healthy.
16. The place I go in my mind when I am troubled is Iceland. My dad and I stayed at this tiny farm against a mountainside with a waterfall and deep green grass all around. It's beautiful and I want to go back soon.
17. I'm my harshest critic and I'm always searching for a new way to be better. I never think I'm good enough.
18. My favorite band by far is Brand New. The lyrics speak to me, as gay as that sounds.
19. I'm awkward and pretty shy. Especially with any guy that I like. I hate it, but I've managed alright considering.
20. I can't dance to save my life, which makes me really sad. I'd do anything to at least be a functioning dancer.
I'd do more, but I'm losing energy and frankly there's not much else that I think is important to know about me.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Falling Out of Love
"I learned a lot about falling in love when I fell out of love." - Tigers Jaw, Never Saw it Coming
The interesting thing about falling out of love is that when it finally, permanently happens, you're not sad like you had expected. My love story was one broken up not by fighting or cheating, only distance. I moved 2,000 miles from home to attend college and we were forced apart. The months following our break up represent one of the most difficult times in my life, and I would never relive that. I literally spent weeks on the verge of tears, and even when I wasn't thinking about him, tears would fall involuntarily. I tried everything to alleviate the pain - meditation, reliving every bad thing he'd ever done to me, talking to friends, to family - I could not get the ache to go away. I have never experienced the likes of it before or since. It was not just an emotional pain; my heart truly hurt, my stomach churned constantly. Eventually I managed to pull myself together somewhat and resume a normal life.
So when I finally came home for Christmas, it was with excitement that I awaited our reunion. For so long I had dreamt of him and yearned to be in his arms again. When he finally did pick me up, I had a lovely time with him. Being home for only two weeks, I worried that I would get attached again and that it would set me back to the painful place I had been in for all those months. However, something interesting happened the more we spent time together. I realized that I no longer loved him. I still loved the old him, the one that I had fallen in love with in the first place. But he was not the same person. I saw every last one of his flaws clearly and knew that I could never go back to him. In the rush of the holiday season, I had little time to dwell on this change of heart.
Now back at college, I look back on our time spent together and I honestly can't feel sad anymore. I can't even miss the good days we had. That chapter is closed, and I can't imagine myself ever ending up with him again. The old him is gone, and I don't have any desire to mourn that loss. Unlike other times when I told myself that I was over him, I truly know without a shadow of a doubt that I am over him. I am not ready for a new relationship, but I know that a far greater love than his is out there for me. I am finally hopeful. Falling out of love has taught me more than I can ever begin to express in a blog.
So when I finally came home for Christmas, it was with excitement that I awaited our reunion. For so long I had dreamt of him and yearned to be in his arms again. When he finally did pick me up, I had a lovely time with him. Being home for only two weeks, I worried that I would get attached again and that it would set me back to the painful place I had been in for all those months. However, something interesting happened the more we spent time together. I realized that I no longer loved him. I still loved the old him, the one that I had fallen in love with in the first place. But he was not the same person. I saw every last one of his flaws clearly and knew that I could never go back to him. In the rush of the holiday season, I had little time to dwell on this change of heart.
Now back at college, I look back on our time spent together and I honestly can't feel sad anymore. I can't even miss the good days we had. That chapter is closed, and I can't imagine myself ever ending up with him again. The old him is gone, and I don't have any desire to mourn that loss. Unlike other times when I told myself that I was over him, I truly know without a shadow of a doubt that I am over him. I am not ready for a new relationship, but I know that a far greater love than his is out there for me. I am finally hopeful. Falling out of love has taught me more than I can ever begin to express in a blog.
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