Another sleepless early morning. I'm revisiting the past, specifically fall of last year. It's a time I think of as a period of sweet grieving. The pain was so keen, so specific, always there. The sense of bewilderment I felt clouded my perception of the present. I remember little other than the anguish.
So, this morning I relive it. I allow myself to listen to the music that comforted, consoled, and crippled me. I unlock the feelings I've unintentionally or perhaps very intentionally buried. I can now look back at what was once the worst time of my life with a sense of fondness and nostalgia. This sweet grief, this powerful anguish - uncontrollable, unrelenting, irrational - showed me how deeply I can feel. In comparison, I feel numb now. Incapable of being touched so fully by any emotion as I was then.
I don't know whether this is my coping mechanism, or whether one human cannot possibly experience such a level of grief more than once in their life. I suspect this numbness sprang up as the only way my body would ever be able to recover. All I know now is that I will never again experience that all-surrounding, daze-like state of being.
