Another sleepless early morning. I'm revisiting the past, specifically fall of last year. It's a time I think of as a period of sweet grieving. The pain was so keen, so specific, always there. The sense of bewilderment I felt clouded my perception of the present. I remember little other than the anguish.
So, this morning I relive it. I allow myself to listen to the music that comforted, consoled, and crippled me. I unlock the feelings I've unintentionally or perhaps very intentionally buried. I can now look back at what was once the worst time of my life with a sense of fondness and nostalgia. This sweet grief, this powerful anguish - uncontrollable, unrelenting, irrational - showed me how deeply I can feel. In comparison, I feel numb now. Incapable of being touched so fully by any emotion as I was then.
I don't know whether this is my coping mechanism, or whether one human cannot possibly experience such a level of grief more than once in their life. I suspect this numbness sprang up as the only way my body would ever be able to recover. All I know now is that I will never again experience that all-surrounding, daze-like state of being.
Monday, August 8, 2011
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Pick 10 bands before you read the questions. These are in no particular order.
1. Brand New
2. Man Overboard
3. Tigers Jaw
4. Imagine Dragons
5. Eisley
6. Say Anything
7. Motion City Soundtrack
8. Freelance Whales
9. Relient K
10. Balance and Composure
What is the first song you heard by 6?
A Walk through Hell
What is your favorite song of number 8?
"Generator ^ First Floor"
What kind of impact has number 1 had on your life?
I was already into them before Stewart, but I really started delving into all of their stuff when we started dating. The emotion behind Jesse's voice gets me every time and the songs all bring me back to that time in my life like no other band.
What is your favorite lyric(s) of number 5?
I'm sorryyou've got so much aagainst you coming into this
I appreciate your patience
and I know that you've been hurt too
oh, we're black and blue
but baby let's make this one count
'cause I'll always be around
I wanna be with you forever.
What song(s) by 3 makes you happy?
I spose I could say "Smile" for obvious reasons, but it's not too chipper. "Meals On Wheels" has a fun little sing along bit to it, but overall they're not a very happy band.
When did you first get into 2?
April 2010. First live band I ever saw and it was because of Stew again.
How did you get into 3?
Hah..yet another offshoot of my relationship HOWEVER I did get into them/listen to them before him. I'll always hold that over his head haha.
What is your favourite song by 4?
"Cover Up" is awesome.
How many times have you seen 9 live?
Only once. First big concert with some best friends.
Favourite album by 7?
Commit This to Memory. I definitely prefer their older stuff.
What is your favorite song of 1?
This is almost painful trying to pick just one. "The Boy Who Blocked His Own Shot" is incredible though.
How did you become a fan of number 10?
I sound ridiculous...another one of Stew's influence.
Who’s the most attractive member of number 8?
lawl. Never seen em. Probs the girl though.
What song of 3’s do you listen to the least?
Anything off their most recent album. I just can't get into it.
How long have you known of 9?
Gosh, since middle school at least. Got into them around junior year.
What are your top three favorite songs by 6?
- Cemetary- Thoughts on a Liberal Education
- I Want to Know Your Plans
What’s your favorite cover by number 2?
They did a Jawbreaker cover that's pretty good. Other than that I haven't heard any.
Have you seen 10 live?
Indeed. First live band I ever saw as a matter of fact.
Have you met any of 4?
Yep! And got a pic with Dan.
What’s your favorite album by 1?
Deja Entendu followed closely by The Devil and God
Favourite lyric(s) of 7?
I had a pocket full of dreams
But I gave them all to you
Now I think I want them back
So can you tell me if I'm crazy or confused?
Don't ever change
The way you are
I've never loved anyone more.
What is one of 5’s best songs?
"Ambulance"
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
And frankly, I am so tired of missing you.
I hate missing people. The older I get, the more people there are to miss. There's the ones I miss that I know I'll never get a chance to be near again. There's the ones I excitedly anticipate reunion with. There's the ones who I hold in my heart but cannot allow myself to go back to. There's the ones I miss who I know I shouldn't miss. There's the "unrequited" missing of those who have long since moved on from you. I'm familiar with them all.
Quote from "Going the Distance."
Monday, May 16, 2011
"It would be curious to discover who it is to whom one writes in a diary. Possibly to some mysterious personification of one's own identity." - Beatrice Webb
I'm so reluctant these days to write in my journal. I listen to a podcast of "This American Life", and there was one story where the narrator reread her high school journal, dripping with sarcasm and irony in the retelling. She mocked herself, the friends she had, the feelings she most definitely felt at that moment in time... The whole thing, while it was meant to be funny, just left me feeling sort of empty. If four years of her (or my) life can be reduced to a comic bit, then why should I even bother writing in my diary? If one day I will reread it and simply be embarrassed at the very real experiences and crises of my teenage years, then I don't want to write in it at all. My future self doesn't deserve to to relive it if I can't appreciate the pain, the laughter, etc etc that I truly felt at the time.
High school, sure, it sucks sometimes and that's one of the biggest cliches we all know about. But it is unique and special to each of us, even if the years blur the once vivid memories. My high school experience is sacred to me because of the lessons I learned through out it.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
I just realized
that this is my blog and I can post whatever the heck I want, in any format, in any length, in any frequency. Coolbeans.
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